In sickness and in health

Oh it feels so good to be well again! I've had a terrible fever for a whole week. I know it doesn't sound all that long, but it's the longest I've ever been sick. Isn't it weird how when you recover you forget what it felt to be ill? I know I was restless and burning up, and my whole body ached and I was in a delirious state a lot of the time, but now I think about it I feel it wasn't as bad as it might have been. I suppose people truly can bear anything, and it's even worth being sick just to experience that glorious feeling of recovery and feeling hungry again.

There is one thing I don't and won't ever miss - having medicines. I simply cannot have them, I can't. When I was young I was given a horrible pink pill which I promptly threw up and ever since I've been mortally scared of tablets. I tried to get over my phobia, and I did take pills without spitting them out for a while in between, but now I'm back to detesting them and trying everything to avoid taking them. All through the past week I tried convincing people that medicines just worsened my health, but no one would listen. But it was true! I bet if I hadn't had to take those ghastly pills I would have recovered in a couple of days instead of a whole week.

I have just one prayer to make : that some study will support me and find that pills of all kinds are ruinous. Or that someone will make chewable tablets which taste sweet (since I cannot swallow them and they are simply too bitter and awful to eat any other way). Or that I never ever fall ill again. I wonder if there's an actual phobia named for tablets and pills. If they have one for something as weird as long words, surely they'd have one for something as God-awful as medicines? I'm not against all kinds of medicines : syrups are fine, and tiny pills. It's only those huge tablets - all yellow and pink and even white - which refuse to go down your throat and, if by some miracle they do, make your stomach feel queasy and queer that are so hateful. I think I will loathe them forever.

But there are other things besides medicines in this world. There are flowers, and books, and music, and puzzles! I've just discovered how much fun it is to do puzzles, especially ones about books and authors, when you feel too much bored to do anything else. I'd advise any recovering convalescent to get their hands on a good puzzle book in order to ward away their legitimate feelings of self-pity, restlessness and boredom; it sure worked for me. And now I'm going to do something that also helps - watch a nice movie while munching on whatever I can find!

Halloween Party

My final exams are finally over, and my sweet school has decided to throw us hard-working, studious students (ha, that's a laugh) a party as a stress-buster. And not just any party. A honest-to-good Halloween party, six weeks too late. The flyer they handed out said (it's copied word-for-word):

'It's a Halloween Bash.

Get ready for the Monster Mash.

Eat, dance and scare up a fight(um, what?),

Being spooky is a must on this night!'

Dress code : Scary

Is it any surprise that I can't find a single person, besides myself, who wants to go? I don't even know why I want to go : I suspect all the studying (cough, cough) has addled my brain. But at least this flyer was better than the last one for the overnight camp, which invited us to "energise our spirits with flavoured milk". The people who come up with these things are obviously bored teachers with a lot of time and too much imagination on their hands. A Christmas party would have been more appropriate this time of the year. I even have a cute Santa hat I bought at the Christmas carnival last year. At least, I hope it's around and my pet tigers haven't eaten it.

Anyway, back to the Halloween party; the dress code is seriously annoying me. What the hell is 'scary' supposed to mean? I wanted to go in a jeans and top and claim to be 'me - a vision of doom' or something. But I bet everyone would just split their sides laughing at that, besides which, it's completely unoriginal. I'm seriously considering not sleeping the entire night before -to get interesting dark circles - and applying loads and loads of powder and red lipstick, and turning up as a vampire. I have one of those plastic headband-thingies with red horns stuck on top so I can pretend to be the Devil if everyone else has the same idea.

I guarantee you there'll be twenty vampires, thirty devils and fifty bored people in jeans turning up as 'themselves' out of a party of hundred. So, back to the idea board. Can I wrap myself up from head to toe with bandages like a mummy? Nah, too much trouble. Can I get a loose black robe and a pointy-hat and come as a witch? Interesting, but where do you find pointy-hats nowadays? Besides, all the above options are so predictable. Maybe I can get a sober grey quakerish gown from somewhere, pull my hair in a bun, and go as a governess. The trouble with being in India is that society hasn't really woken up to costume parties and such stuff here. Now if I wanted a hugely over-priced, garishly designed pavadai from RMKV I'd have no trouble at all.

I'm going on a campaign tomorrow - to persuade (or force, if I need to) my friends to come for the party. Sure, we'll probably (definitely, more like it) have more fun at home, but it's our last Social Night ever in school! And it might be worth it just to see everyone else's costumes. And it's a distraction from the millions of tests we have scheduled after that.

Update : I’m not going to the Social Night myself. Wait – before you think I’m just chickening out because nobody else is up for it, that’s not entirely true (partially, maybe). I just recollected that I have art class tomorrow clashing with the party and it’s been ages since I’ve attended. This will be my last year of the class before I head off for college, so it’s a no-brainer. Hopefully the next party/event/social night in school will be a lot better, one we’ll all actually go to.

Happy Deepavali!

It’s Deepavali! I have stuffed myself with ghee-soaked sweets and delicacies dripping oil. I have also, after many years, exchanged sweets with the neighbours accompanied by my sister.

When I was young (very young), I loved going to my neighbours’ houses and being complimented on my brand-new Deepavali dress and making plans for the evening with my (also very young) friends. My sister was my present age then, and she hated it. I’m pretty sure I talked more than she did.

Fast forward to a year ago. My sister was studying for her CA exam, and I was appointed to do my Deepavali duty all alone. Intrepid and resigned, I took the tissue-paper covered tray and went around to the houses of people I’ve known my entire life.

I rang the door-bell, and when the auntie/uncle/neighbor-who-used-to-be-my-best-friend-but-now-acts-like-he-doesn’t-know-me opened the door, mumbled incoherently something which sounded like ’hbbi dvali’ and thrust the tray at them. “Come in and sit down, “ they invited, and I gingerly balanced myself at the end of the chair, looking wildly around for a means of escape. The door was open, of course, but my tray was here, and I was not leaving without it. Poor thing, it would feel so alone, and besides, I needed it to give the ‘bakshanam’ to other houses. The thought made me groan.

We sat in awkward silence most of the time, me jumping whenever someone addressed a question in my general direction. If you’ve ever made small talk with people you haven’t seen since the last festival, when you underwent the same torture, you’ll know the pattern of conversation by-heart. First, the mandatory, “I haven’t seen you in a long time!” to which you nod vigorously (it is true after all) and say, “Yeah.”

Next, the optional, “You have grown so tall!” to which you give a sickly smile and say, “Yeah.”

Third follows what might be unique to me. “So, you’re in ninth?” they say, randomly guessing. “No, eleventh,” or twelfth, as the case may be. It is a rule that nobody ever knows your real age or standard. They either guess below or above it by at least two years. When you reveal your actual class, they look surprised and say, “But you look so small! Do you eat at all? You have to get some meat on your bones!” to which you nod vigorously, give a sickly smile, and say, “Yeah.” If they ask you how college is like, it’s a sure bet their grand-daughter or niece, who is roughly your age, is studying in college, so if you know her name you can say, “And how is XXX enjoying college?” feeling mighty pleased at having brought out a sentence on your own, and praying fervently that her name isn’t actually XXY.

Now everyone looks astonished. “It speaks!” they’re saying to themselves, incredulously. “Who would’ve thought?”; And they are so lost in surprise, they forget to answer your question. Your resources are now taxed to the limit, and besides wondering if that blasted tray (for which you are courageously risking life and limb) will ever come back, and frantically trying to think of topics for conversation, you also remember that you have to repeat this all over again, in the next house, the owner whom you don’t even know all that well and whose watchman once

turned up ugly over a ball that sailed into his compound.

At the end of this whole rigmarole, when you are mustering up the courage to say those words, “All right, I’m leaving now and coming back,” (A literal translation from Tamil, and quite untruthful and insincere), the auntie finally comes through with the tray. You accept it with relief, and make good your escape, trying your utmost not to seem in a hurry to get away. When the door closes behind you though, you scamper, still not knowing if it was XXX or XXY, and dammit, does she enjoy college or not?

This would be a good way to end, but this year my sister, in a cushy job with lots to talk about – it’s distance, the timings, and work involved – and I went through the same process. She talked to everyone breezily, slipping in a confident ‘Happy Deepavali’ almost before they opened the door, and following it up with a sure question, “Aren’t you bursting crackers this year? The street’s so empty!” allowing the neighbor to inform us that they are doing this for the environment or that their aches and pains don’t allow them to (follow with a list of the aches and pains). It was so much better than last year.

We came home to my cousin on the phone. Last year, ignoring my frantic head-shakings and mouthing ‘I’m not here! I’m not here!’ (Seriously, how hard is that to understand?), I was forced to talk to my relatives. I love them, I love when they come to visit, but talking to them on the phone is nothing less than sheer torture, of which I had had enough already. This time, though, I was smart and came up here to type this, leaving my capable sister to bear the brunt. She doesn’t seem to look harried at all. I wonder, when I become older, will I actually be able to talk to people without having what my sister calls a ‘priceless expression’? Perhaps.

Let there be light and noise

Deepavali is here again, but apart from a few sporadic burst of crackers, it isn't the affair it usually is. Thanks to environmental awareness everyone wants to go green this year, so as to minimise pollution, stop scaring animals, babies and the elderly, and do their part in reducing child labour. In short, the festival doesn't seem to mean what it used to.

I can actually remember a time when all the neighbours got together with a bulging bag of fireworks and started celebrations even a few days before Deepavali. On the actual day, of course, the senior citizens and the really lazy got up at the crack of dawn, while everyone else woke up at four-thirty and stumbled, sleepy-eyed, downstairs to light up the mandatory flowerpots and 'changu chakkaram', an activity shared by the entire community. 'Vedis' were the province of boys, and in my case, my mother, while my sister and I were given the important task of ensuring the candle didn't blow out. On Deepavali, the candle and matches are the most important tools : that is the first thing you learn.

After two hours of this everyone would lay claim to bathrooms for the oil bath and the exciting part, wearing new clothes. The telephone never stopped ringing, and often it was the only time in the whole year when all family members in different parts of the world could be contacted.

Sweets and crackers were shared with everyone who came to our neighbourhood. I remember one time when the children of the dhobi stood shyly a little distance from all the laughter and crackle, and we invited them to join us, stuffing sparklers and other firecrackers in their hands. All of us children had so much fun, competing with each other to light the highest flowerpots or the most exotic crackers or the most number of them at minimum speed. Of course, lighting crackers could only be done at dawn or late into the evening. The bulk of the day was given to the most important Deepavali tradition : watching the special Deepavali programs on TV.

These included a Rajinikanth movie(mandatory), and a Kamal Hassan one, with any combination of other major actors. If I've seen 'Padayappa' once, I've seen it a hundred times (as every true-blue Tamilian must have done) as well as Tenali, Vasool Raja MBBS (any day better than the Hindi version, say what you will) and Pammal K Sambandham. There was no studying the whole day, of course, just rotting on sweets and TV. It was utterly ruining, not just for us but the environment apparently, and it was the greatest fun ever. Except, perhaps, Navaratri and Pongal and many other festivals which are about equally as fun. Navaratri, too, has changed now completely, but that's a different story.

Don't tell my mother, but I actually miss my traditions and I love what bit of my culture there is left. I wish that just for once, everyone can get together and celebrate Deepavali like we used to, without worrying about pollution or anything. I can hear a thousand-walla outside my house, and though I agree with everything said about its hazards and annoying noise, it still somehow represents, I feel, the very spirit of Deepavali.

Colleges - why would you do this?

I had no idea applying to foreign colleges were such a hassle. In India, it's simple. You want to get into a top college, you make sure you ace your board exams and send your scores to them in May, enjoying a nice two-month relaxing holiday after your Board exams. The college is one your parents went to, or the best in its field (or both). You shove your marks at them, and it's done. There is no thinking about whether the college is 'right' for you (how will you even know that till you've been there?) or trying to choose from the million choices of majors till your head feels ready to explode.

In India, it's even more simple considering the fact that extra-curriculars basically count for absolutely nil when you apply to a college. Each time I read foreign universities' websites say "We would like a list of your extra-curriculars so we can get a picture of you as a complete person," I go mad. What's wrong with being incomplete? Now I have to frantically think of all the things I've done out of the classroom, which is rather pitifully a small amount. I read (extensively - that's a consolation), I watch movies, I write stuff, I basically plug my ipod in my ears and stare at a tree for hours when no one is around. How do I put all that down without making me sound pathetic? And how, in God's name, do I get my teacher's to write an awesome recommendation for me? Those are the worst of all.

"Type up a list of all your achievements,' says my Psychology teacher as I ask her timidly to give me a recommendation. That's just great. I've been chewing on that for so long, and it's depressing to find that I don't seem to have achieved much. "I'm really good at Hangman," is the first thing that comes up. "I can bend my thumbs almost ninety degrees backwards." - that's pretty rare, actually. Yes, I'm so desperate. It gets worse, too :

"I blog." (Sure, that totally demonstrates the extent of my participation in school activities. I have mentioned my school in complimentary terms in a few posts - does that count?)

"I always pay attention to the lessons being taught, never cut class, and am one of the few people who would actually prefer Library period to Games." (A wonderful picture of the species classified 'Nerd'. Read: no cool extracurriculars. Aargh. Though I don't apologise for preferring the library - that sacred space, the storehouse of my life's blood).

"I am excessively loyal to friends."

"I have a good sense of humour." (It exists, but it takes some looking for. Mostly, I crack PJs that not even the aforementioned friends laugh at.)

"I have practised being serious, never smiling, and doing a good job of appearing anti-social.I seem to have not done too badly, confining myself to laughing internally, and laughing a lot. I consider this an accomplishment because ... well, it just is, okay?"

"I love learning and reading. If I were locked in a room with only a car manual describing how to screw various bolts in the machine, I would read it from cover to cover. No matter where you put me, I would continue to learn, and love it." ( That's my biggest strength and one I am going to be emphasizing BIG wherever I can - recos, extra-curriculars, personal statement, essays - since that appears to be my main angle so far.)

"When I love, I do it entirely, whole-heartedly, passionately, whether it's friends, family, people who fall in neither category(yet), nature, songs, literary characters, movies, an idea, or a feeling born of nothing in particular."

"I am extremely dreamy, confused and experience bewildering and extended mood swings." (The upshot being I must learn to plant my feet firmly on the ground.)

To apply to foreign colleges, you need to give it your hundred percent, to feel you really want to go there. I don't think I do. I'm just applying because I want to experience the admission process, get a feel of what the universities are looking for. I'm not stressed or worried about whether I'll get in or not, but about the admissions process itself because if I'm giving it a shot at all, I might as well give it all I've got, right? But it's hard to give it everything while knowing the unchangeable certainty that there's no real use in it, it's all just a sham, because my family will never ever send me so far away.

Most of all, this has been a soul-searching experience, forcing me to make a decision about who I am and look deep into myself in a way that is rather uncomfortable. I feel conflicted - I want to get in, but I also don't, since I know there is no way I'll actually get to study abroad next year even if I do get in (and the colleges I've chosen are pretty competitive) because of the financial constraints and my family's extreme unwillingness to let me go. However, wherever I study in India, about which I am very serious, I shall stay in the hostel. If I don't learn to be independent now, I never will.

She should die

Aruna Shanbaug has lived thirty seven years, no, has survived, dragging out a miserable existence, for thirty seven years and she deserves to die. I remember being shocked when I read the Supreme Court's verdict a few months ago that euthanasia is not allowed in her case, that it can be allowed only if the nurses in her hospital file the petition themselves.

Are the nurses crazy? Or simply selfish? How could they celebrate the verdict with sweets, how can they even say that she is an emblem for them and so must live? How can anyone condemn a person to a vegetative state, however much they take care of her and bathe and feed her? Why do humans grant a peaceful and painless death to dogs and cats and other animals and condemn fellow human beings to a lingering and painful existence?

My great-grandmother is more than a hundred years old. Her daughter, my grandmother, passed away before I was born, but she has not passed on yet. Apparently, every day she prays that God will take away her mortal life soon. I visit her occasionally and she's the sweetest little old lady, with a beautiful, child-like smile. My great-grandmother has trust in God, and she must not leave this world until she is ready, but it is extremely saddening to think that she wishes for death and yet it does not come. How can the world be so beautiful and loving and yet so incredibly cruel at the same time?

When I read of the Mumbai attacks last month ago, I thought, "Oh, another attack in Mumbai" quite matter-of-factly. I suddenly thought about it today - it seems usual because it is usual. Every few months there are bombs, casualties, police 'nearly' catching the perpetrator but never actually doing it, media noise, and finally silence. The media seems to have forgotten this one much quicker than it usually does. I guess bomb attacks aren't the big news they were earlier.

I feel ashamed that I'm not more involved with all of this stuff. Writing is one way, my main way, of expressing myself and my views. Anna Hazare's fight against corruption is all great, but will there be such a fight for justice and peace and right living? Shaw said that more things change, the more they remain the same. I hope against hope that he is wrong.

You're the best

Dear friend,

Thank you for being there for me, for cheering me up when I'm sad, for supporting me when I need it most, and most importantly, accepting me just the way I am without judgement, but still wanting me to improve for my own benefit. I don't mind when you criticise me because I know that you just want me to develop my potential, and your observations are bang-on.

You and I are so different in so many ways, but also so alike. It's a treat talking to you; and you're the first one I thought of when I messed up really badly and needed someone who'd understand. Your huge three-paragraph sms was soothing, but mostly it was the fact that you bothered to reply at all, and in such length, that makes me feel really special. I only wish I could do the same for you - always be there for you, whether you need me or not.

I always knew I wanted to be your friend. You're someone I can emulate in so many ways, and yet there's a lot in me too which you'd like to emulate - so we're both equals, complementing each other. I admire your fearlessness, your confidence, your determination, and your ability to pick yourself up after every fall, and you do seem to fall a lot :) These are qualities I don't possess in great quantities, or if I do, they are buried somewhere deep inside my psyche, so I'm glad to have such a close friend who has these qualities.

I've always wanted a best friend - it's something I craved for very deeply, and I believed anyone with a close friend was the luckiest person ever - I stared at them in such awe. And finally, you turned up. Sure, it's been different from what I thought it would be. There were far more misunderstandings and less time together than I bargained for. However, we did resolve our misunderstandings, didn't we? And I do want to spend time together - you were right, I do need to talk more - but please be patient with me. I foresee a friendship spanning the years - I truly hope that as old ladies we'll drop into each other's house for a friendly chat, and we'll tell our amazed grandchildren that we've been pals for fifty long years. I'm definitely coming to your marriage (yes, you will meet the man of your dreams, and he will bring you break-fast in bed. Well, ok maybe not that, but I bet you'll be so in love you won't notice) and you will come to mine (always assuming I get married of course :)).

One day, you will even read my blog. I was bitterly disappointed when you said you didn't want to, but hey, at least you were honest - that's one of your central traits and a virtue which is fast fading nowadays. Still, one day, if I haven't deleted it, I do hope you will read it and give your critique, and I do hope you will read this post as well. On second thoughts, perhaps not. I'm sure you'd start giving me weird looks after you read it.

We will go for a movie together one day - after the twelfth boards perhaps. After all, the future is still open with possibility, and you're right, the best person is the one who falls and then picks herself up again, learning from her mistakes. In my most comfy pyjamas, and having eaten a good meal, and having heard from you, of course, the world seems like a pretty okay place to live in again. It would be the most marvellous place in the world if I didn't have my exams tomorrow. There is always a fly in the ointment :(

From,

me!

Awesome answers to stupid questions asked to introverts

Why are you so quiet?

• I'm listening to the voices in my head.
• Somebody has to be.
• I'm studying to be a mime.

Smile!

• Why?
• I can't. Tragic Botox incident.
• I will when you go away.

Why are you always so serious?

• I'm only serious on the outside. I'm partying on the inside.
• Always? Have you been stalking me?
• Because the universe is expanding, and if it's expanding, someday it will break apart and that would be the end of everything!

Are you mad?

• No, just eccentric.
• Why, what have you done?
• Not yet.

Do you hate people?

• Not all people.
• Only people who ask me that question.
• No, they're delicious with a nice Chianti.

Are you a snob?

• No, I'm a slob. That must have been a typo.
• Of course not. I'm here, aren't I?
• No, I pride myself on my low standards.

You look bored.

• Don't be so hard on yourself.
• This is my rapt face.
• Only when you talk.

You don't know how to have fun.

• Sure I do. Tell me when it starts.
• I didn't know "fun" was a synonym for "loud."
• You're right, I'm outta here.

Oh look! It's a new post!

And I'm back.

I'm not going to update very often, I seriously am not. It's exhausting thinking of stuff to write and sitting and typing it out, and having people not commenting. I'll continue with my neopets stories instead.

I so want to delete this blog, and maybe I will some day. Or maybe I'll keep it, just like my diary I swore to burn, but I which I like reading now that those strong aches and pains and thoughts have evolved into something else. And sometimes I add to my diary too, as I probably will to this one, perhaps once every two months.

That's it for now - let me read the blogs I follow instead.

Vignettes of school life

A: Nice socks.

B: Thanks a lot!

(looks down and frowns)

Hey wait! I think these are yours...

A: You think?

*****

A: What on earth are you doing?

B: I'm packing my bag to go home.

A: Oh my god, that's so gay!

I don't get this at all, because the sentence doesn't make sense with either meaning of gay. So a kind request to people - stop using gay as a synonym for boring, odd or uncool. I do not like the fact that I can't even use 'gay' to say I'm carefree without being teased to death about it.

*****

My sociology textbook on the definition of marriage - "Marriage is a contract for the production and maintenance of children."

I don't think I'll ever forget this definition in my life. Especially not with my classmate sitting beside me shouting "Marriage is not a factory!"

Sleepovers and karaoke

Notice: This was actually written a few weeks ago, when the sleepover was actually conducted. I'm posting it now ;)

We had the school sleepover/ overnight camp yesterday, where we actually camped out in school under the stars, watching movies till 4:00 am and pigging out on food like there's no tomorrow. If I hadn't participated in it myself, I wouldn't have believed such a thing to be possible. Having close to 400 children sleep in school without supervision of teachers? (there were parents there, but that's beside the point). Well, we didn't actually sleep, opting to stay awake and watch all the movies they were playing on the big screen instead - which is why I am all cranky and reluctant to study (Okay, I'm always reluctant to study) now.

We danced to classic party hits like 'Tik tok' and 'Sheela ki Jawani'. At least, I tried to dance, but ended up looking up like a chicken with fits; while others who'd memorised Katrina Kaif's every step in 'Sheela' were doing an amazing job on setting the dance floor (figuratively - we were actually dancing on mud) on fire. While many of us tentatively wiggled a bit now and then when we thought no one was looking, these people moved to the centre of the circle and partied hard - they were awesome beyond belief. If only I were blessed with that kind of talent and guts :)

We sang karaoke too, all 400 of us belting out numbers at the top of our voices. I actually sang to 'Baby', and it was amazing fun, though a friend of mine kept muttering into my ear, "You actually like this song? You actually like this song? YOU ACTUALLY LIKE THIS FREAKING SONG?" until I explained that I did not in fact like that song, that I totally agreed with her that Justin Bieber is gay, and that I was only singing to it because the lyrics were up on the screen and I just felt like crooning.

I didn't sleep throughout the night - only at 3:30 am which was practically morning anyway. I can safely say there's nothing in the world better than waking up to a new dawn under the open sky, and to steaming cups of hot chocolate. To people who did not gather it already, I really like hot chocolate :)

It was so beautiful. When I woke up at five am, it was still dark out, and each time I looked up, the sky was just a smidgen of a shade lighter. In one hour, the sky was a bright sunny blue, as if it had been so all along. If that is not magic, I don't know what is.

I almost forgot to mention a probably very typical thing I did - I lost my sleeping bag. I put it down very carefully on one of the benches, and wandered off with my friends, and when I came back just one hour later, it had inexplicably disappeared. I looked for it everywhere and I am ready to stake my life it wasn't anywhere. And yet, when I went to the lost and found office the next day, it was right among the other odds and ends in all its glory. Even the water hadn't been drunk. I am convinced it was a conspiracy.

It is during times like these I truly feel sad this is my last year in school. *sniff*

Variation of Murphy's Law

When you want to listen to songs... your ipod is out of charge.

If you try to charge it... the wire is missing.

If you have the wire... the ipod can't be found.

If you have both... the computer is not working.

The sweet sensation of success

(Disclaimer: Feel free to not read the rest of this entry. I'm only going to be gloating all the way through)

I'm jumping about... so excited, so keyed up! Is there any feeling greater in the world than getting your story published? It's published online, on the neopets story competition. If there is anything needed to support my theory that neopets is one heck of a site, this is it.

For three days I sat in front of this computer, furiously writing, editing, and rewriting. I didn't get it the first time. I didn't get it the second time. But I did the third time. There must be some moral in this, but I'm not wasting my time looking for a moral when I can celebrate instead. Yes! Yes! Yes! *Head bang*

To celebrate, I'm going to watch a movie on TV and not work the rest of the evening. That's what success does to you.

Happy February

Happy first of February! It isn't New Year's, I know, but I've decided the only way I'm going to keep to any of my Resolutions (notice the capital R) is if I treat every month as a separate entity - for effective goal-setting.

Yes, I have been reading my (super-large) psychology textbook lately, plus a load of self-help books, leading to

1) A change in my hand-writing (Now, I can't understand it myself :))

2) Me identifying a lot of goals.

2a) Me striving valiantly to reach those goals.

3) Me analysing every person I meet for signs of personality disorder (so far, everyone I meet seems to be suffering from megalomania, low self-esteem or depression - I must be doing something wrong.)

4) A well-founded conviction that self-help books must be thrown out of the window at the first opportunity.

My first advice: STAY AWAY FROM SELF-HELP BOOKS! They're really addictive and they'll poison your life if you let them. Now, you can't even swear when something bad happens because you swore to curb your temper, didn't you? Or sleep properly at night because you suddenly remembered you didn't do your ten-minute meditation and introspection time (whatever that means).

People don't really like lifeless, ever-calm people who smile all the time, like zombies. Leave that to air-hostesses who are at least paid for that kind of stuff. People really like people who get mad and storm and rage for a while. It shows they're human. Just don't do it too often.

And trust me on the self-help books.

The Times of India is crazy

Today, I opened the paper and two leaflets fell out. 'Neenga chinna veedu vechirukkeengala?', they screamed at me.

There was nothing else. I laughed. What a very weird way to begin a day.

I had no idea priests actually had a sense of humour

Things you don't want to hear a Preacher say

We don't like the concept of "preaching" really, at Husborne Crawley. It puts the preacher in a power relationship with the preachees - implying that the preacher has access to knowledge and oratorical power that the preachees do not possess. Whereas the evidence round here is that the preacher, on the whole, has none of these things.

Still, since the other alternatives to preaching - "oratory", "rambling", "musing", "facilitating an ongoing thought-enhancement and spiritual development process in a theological context" are all equally weak, we'll stick with "preaching" for the purposes of this discussion.
In any case, here's some things that may help all members of the Community to improve their inspirational aspirations.

"But enough about God. Let's talk about how clever I am."

"So I've sketched out the socio-dynamics of the Essene fellowship, giving summary accounts of five or six of the most recent views of the archaeologists and theologians. Now let's move to point one of this six-point sermon..."

"I've learnt that people remember more of what they see, than of what they hear. So after that account of the sins of the Israelite men with the Moabite women, I'll be giving a demonstration of those sins with my wife. Just as soon as we've put our teeth somewhere safe - we wouldn't like them to fly out...."

"So I hope I've been very clear on the spiritual damage you can suffer from hidden sin. Now then - Hnaef has the roaming mic - who's the first to confess?"

"I am the god of hell fire!"

"I'm pleased to see that the use of the word "mercy" in that verse in Isaiah was the subject of my MA thesis. So I'd like to read it to you now. In full."

"You know, I'm really regretting that prawn curry last night. And the beer seemed a bit cloudy as well. Now, this pulpit is quite high so I'm quite pleased to see there's no-one in the front six rows."

"OK - I'm the one with the preaching gown. I'm the one up here with the big book. So everybody listen to me. I'm right."

"I'm pleased to say that God gave me a direct message last night. And oooh he had a lot to say."

"I'm afraid I'll have to preach the second half of this sermon extempore. Not because I've had a sudden burst of inspiration. No - the computer ran out of memory and crashed after printing off the first half."

"But I see it is time for the Evening Service to begin. So in conclusion..."

"I really wanted to focus on "giving" this morning. And it so happens that I have here the records of everyone's standing orders. So, let's see... Albert Aldwincle - £20 per month... Rhoda Benson - £15...."

"I've felt so inspired this morning that I'm going to issue an altar call. The doors are locked, and no-one's going home until we've had twenty new converts."

What I learnt from my aunt and uncle

1) How to love people

2) How really nice music can be

3) Embroidery(she's a wizard at this)

4) That eating chocolate at night before going to bed doesn't kill you

5) The secret to happiness is eating a lot of chocolate, and pudding, and sweets, and going out to play badminton for an hour in the open air

6) A movie a day keeps the blues away

7) How to make someone feel cared for without making them feel overwhelmed

8) Praying, amazingly, does help! It makes a heck of a difference in life

9) Simplicity is the key to success

10) That P.G. Wodehouse is the greatest writer in the world. Period.