Colleges - why would you do this?

I had no idea applying to foreign colleges were such a hassle. In India, it's simple. You want to get into a top college, you make sure you ace your board exams and send your scores to them in May, enjoying a nice two-month relaxing holiday after your Board exams. The college is one your parents went to, or the best in its field (or both). You shove your marks at them, and it's done. There is no thinking about whether the college is 'right' for you (how will you even know that till you've been there?) or trying to choose from the million choices of majors till your head feels ready to explode.

In India, it's even more simple considering the fact that extra-curriculars basically count for absolutely nil when you apply to a college. Each time I read foreign universities' websites say "We would like a list of your extra-curriculars so we can get a picture of you as a complete person," I go mad. What's wrong with being incomplete? Now I have to frantically think of all the things I've done out of the classroom, which is rather pitifully a small amount. I read (extensively - that's a consolation), I watch movies, I write stuff, I basically plug my ipod in my ears and stare at a tree for hours when no one is around. How do I put all that down without making me sound pathetic? And how, in God's name, do I get my teacher's to write an awesome recommendation for me? Those are the worst of all.

"Type up a list of all your achievements,' says my Psychology teacher as I ask her timidly to give me a recommendation. That's just great. I've been chewing on that for so long, and it's depressing to find that I don't seem to have achieved much. "I'm really good at Hangman," is the first thing that comes up. "I can bend my thumbs almost ninety degrees backwards." - that's pretty rare, actually. Yes, I'm so desperate. It gets worse, too :

"I blog." (Sure, that totally demonstrates the extent of my participation in school activities. I have mentioned my school in complimentary terms in a few posts - does that count?)

"I always pay attention to the lessons being taught, never cut class, and am one of the few people who would actually prefer Library period to Games." (A wonderful picture of the species classified 'Nerd'. Read: no cool extracurriculars. Aargh. Though I don't apologise for preferring the library - that sacred space, the storehouse of my life's blood).

"I am excessively loyal to friends."

"I have a good sense of humour." (It exists, but it takes some looking for. Mostly, I crack PJs that not even the aforementioned friends laugh at.)

"I have practised being serious, never smiling, and doing a good job of appearing anti-social.I seem to have not done too badly, confining myself to laughing internally, and laughing a lot. I consider this an accomplishment because ... well, it just is, okay?"

"I love learning and reading. If I were locked in a room with only a car manual describing how to screw various bolts in the machine, I would read it from cover to cover. No matter where you put me, I would continue to learn, and love it." ( That's my biggest strength and one I am going to be emphasizing BIG wherever I can - recos, extra-curriculars, personal statement, essays - since that appears to be my main angle so far.)

"When I love, I do it entirely, whole-heartedly, passionately, whether it's friends, family, people who fall in neither category(yet), nature, songs, literary characters, movies, an idea, or a feeling born of nothing in particular."

"I am extremely dreamy, confused and experience bewildering and extended mood swings." (The upshot being I must learn to plant my feet firmly on the ground.)

To apply to foreign colleges, you need to give it your hundred percent, to feel you really want to go there. I don't think I do. I'm just applying because I want to experience the admission process, get a feel of what the universities are looking for. I'm not stressed or worried about whether I'll get in or not, but about the admissions process itself because if I'm giving it a shot at all, I might as well give it all I've got, right? But it's hard to give it everything while knowing the unchangeable certainty that there's no real use in it, it's all just a sham, because my family will never ever send me so far away.

Most of all, this has been a soul-searching experience, forcing me to make a decision about who I am and look deep into myself in a way that is rather uncomfortable. I feel conflicted - I want to get in, but I also don't, since I know there is no way I'll actually get to study abroad next year even if I do get in (and the colleges I've chosen are pretty competitive) because of the financial constraints and my family's extreme unwillingness to let me go. However, wherever I study in India, about which I am very serious, I shall stay in the hostel. If I don't learn to be independent now, I never will.